My Humpty Dumpty Life

Quiet Despair can become a Quilt to Share

Have you ever felt like your life was in a state of disrepair? I have. At times I've felt like Humpty Dumpty who’s fallen off the wall. Not even king’s men can put me back together. I am irreparably broken in many ways.

This is why I was so glad to have been invited to attend a women’s retreat at a historic church in Medway recently. Many of the women brought treasured family quilts which were displayed around the sanctuary and hung from all the balconies. A booklet was made describing the various themes and motifs and telling the peculiar stories of each piece.

Following a hot breakfast buffet, Mary got up and introduced the event with a short devotional that instantly found its mark in my heart and brought tears to my eyes. She singled out the blue lines used by quilters to hold things in place while the work is in progress. They seem to go nowhere, she said. In fact, to the untrained eye they appear to be aimless stitches--and this is the part that touched me deeply.

Oh Lord, losing a loved one sure seems like a blue line! Being left without my husband surely seems like aimless stitches in the pattern of my life. I had been quietly wrestling with the senselessness and meaningless in my life, not understanding where these lines have been drawn. Tears warmed my face as I gave it all to Him again.

The speaker continued. The Quilter, as master craftsman, chooses not only the pattern, but every color, every shape, and he creates his own story. He knows exactly what he's doing.

And then it gets even more interesting. When the work is finished, these blue lines can come clean out with cold water! She used this to parallel God's cleansing forgiveness and spirit of restoration. He has the power to remove all the pain, to heal all wounds and cleanse every part of our lives.

Interestingly, she noted that hot water would have the adverse affect and set the stains. The Spirit within whispered that this is what hardness of heart does, if we remain unyielding and unrelenting. We can avail ourselves of his power or we can hold onto the past with unforgiveness or bitterness of spirit. The choice is ours. One thing is certain, those blue lines will wreck the final pattern of our lives if we let them.

Afterwards, an author named Lucinda McDowell also spoke around the appointed theme of quilting. As I sat in one of the back pews, I was deeply moved by this amazing metaphor. It suddenly struck me that this is exactly how I’ve been feeling about my own life, so greatly fragmented into so many small pieces. Like an impossible and unfinished quilt pattern, I should be boxed up into someone’s attic.

Like a scattered mix of rags, a pile of worthless bits and senseless pieces, I had been feeling like my own life is in such disarray. I've been asking the Lord to order my steps and direct my path. I have so many areas of need, such varied interests, so much unfinished business, and an emptiness that gnaws away in the quiet moments. Where is my life going now? What's the plan? I look ahead at the expanse of time and wonder if I will ever see my goals and dreams to completion. I look at the heaps of scraps and feel the weight of the work to be done pressing on my shoulders. Sometimes it all feels like such hopeless confusion.

Yet, when I turn to the Lord who made me and brought me this far, a sense of peace warms my soul. This too is beyond comprehension. In fact, Scripture calls it "a peace that passes understanding."

I may be too close to the miniscule stitching, my eyes may be dizzy with overlapping squares, but he readily sees the whole pattern. He alone knows the intricate details of all that He has designed for me, and he knows the full potential and the final outcome of all that he wants to do.

The speaker made great spiritual applications from the whole quilting process which the Spirit took and applied to me in the hushed congregation. This is what he pressed home to me.

The Lord my Master sees the potential in every piece, no matter how small, how ordinary, or how painful. He uses everything, including our failures, mistakes, our sorrows, and especially the things I don't understand. Lastly, God completes the pattern, though we may not see it as we like or when we want. We simply have to trust him.

I found it very interesting that the Amish quilters would intentionally ADD mistakes to their work as a reminder, in fact, that only God is perfect. That wouldn't be a problem in my life. There are plenty of reminders of human imperfection here! But that's when it hit me. In God's eyes, those are the very details that will showcase his victory in the end. As the beautiful old song declares, "If there be any praise it will go to Calvary."

Looking around the sanctuary at all the beautiful tapestries, I soaked up the encouragement to the depths of my soul. None of this is too hard for you, my God and maker. You see the whole quilt of my life and know every stitch of it has its time and purpose.

I don't have to worry about being put back together like broken eggshell fragments. What is impossible with men is quite simple to you. For you have taught us:

“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Is 55:8-9

And so I can say by faith:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Ps 139:14-16

“For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. How great are your works, O LORD, how profound your thoughts! The senseless man does not know, fools do not understand… But you, O LORD, are exalted forever.” Ps 92:4-8

“Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and his righteousness endures forever.”
Ps 111:2-3

Lead me into this New Year, Heavenly Father. Draw the lines where you please and fit these pieces together according to your perfect design. Lead me by your love because I trust your wisdom. Amen.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Today is my birthday. Wonderful people send cards and call to say, Happy Birthday. Then of course, we just had Christmas and Chanukkah so we are in the habit of sending cards around the globe to say, Happy Holidays. And next up, we have New Year’s Day so everyone you meet says, Happy New Year’s. Well, what does it take to be happy? Is this something we can conjure up at will or command for certain days of the year? Is happiness in our control at all, or is just something to be wished for and doled out for good measure to all our friends and loved ones? I think not.

I look around, either at the faces at the Salvation Army kitchen, or on the streets around me and realize how weak and hollow the words can sound. With all this happy talk I can’t help but think it’s not enough. We can’t drum it up no matter how hard we try. All our words fall far short of creating even an ounce of happiness. In fact, it’s a well known fact that there are more suicides at this festive time of year than at any other. So much for the convincing power of all this happy talk. It seems we only achieve a heightened awareness of how UNhappy we are!

Last night I went out to dinner and a movie with a dear friend. We saw the Pursuit of Happiness, a true story about homelessness and the family struggles that bring a young father and his son into the streets. Ha, it sounds depressing, but it was so well done and so captivating that in the end it was enheartening. Will Smith did a great job in this sensitive role. You could just feel this father’s frustrations and ache with his drive to succeed for his boy, who was admirably enacted by his real son. The story forces you to probe the meaning of happyness—purposely misspelled--as well as the subject of the worthy pursuits we choose for ourselves.

In a very temporal and immediate sense, I wondered why the Will Smith character chose such a difficult position when his very survival depended on getting an income. Why should a bright young man endure such hardship for a six month internship? He was so capable and driven and certainly could have fit into any industry or field. Aha, I thought, it’s the power of the dream. He had a vision of happiness on the street one day that set him on that chosen course.

That film certainly raised the bar of compassion for those who struggle in the pursuit, a commonality for all of humanity. It also led me to wonder about what it takes for me to be happy and challenged me to persevere for what I believe God wants me to do. This is a fitting time to ask the questions, what do I truly desire? What do I truly need to be happy and fulfilled?

This morning I read some astoundingly beautiful words by a great scholar. CS Lewis wrote, “There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven, but more often I find myself wondering whether, in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else… when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things…have been but hints of it—tantalizing glimpses… echoes that died away… But if it should really become manifest… you would say ‘Here at last is the thing I was made for.’ … It is the secret signature of each soul... which we will still desire on our deathbeds…”

And again he wrote, “The mould in which a key is made would be a strange thing if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine… All that you are, sins apart, is destined, if you will let God have His good way, to utter satisfaction…. God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love. Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it—made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.” The Business of Heaven, p.318-319.

The happiness we pursue is a deep-seated contentment and satisfaction with life. I believe the real bedrock and foundation in our souls is a desire for purpose and a conviction of significance that makes us feel complete.

It is a connectedness and meaningfulness that assures us that our lives are not dripping out like a leaky faucet and going down the drain without accomplishing anything of lasting value.

I believe this true happiness comes from knowing the God who created us. He has the mould. He is the true smith of all that we are meant to be. When we link up with Him we find that which nothing else can give and no one can lightly bestow or wish upon us. We can have our deepest desires completely fulfilled in him. The thing that Lewis says we were born desiring, that secret signature of every soul, and that which we will still be yearning for when we take to our deathbeds--All is but a breath away in the one we call Jesus.

I pray you will find him this Christmas Season and I hope you will invite him to lead you into 2007. Then you will have a much better shot at a truly Happy New Year.


“…pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called…” 1 Tim 6:11-12

"Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer…” 1 Peter 3:10-12

“…if you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deut 4:29

“The LORD looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.” Ps 14:2

“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.” Acts 17:24-27

“Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near… turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy… and to our God, for he will freely pardon.” Isa 55:6-7

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